Things I've learned about and from my Dad

As I've been caring for my Dad since my mother's death I've learned a few things about him, about me and about life. Here are a few of them:

Underneath all that dementia the essence of who he is is still there and actually enhanced.

In some ways I know him better than ever before. The dementia has freed up his emotions. He's just trying to figure out life and do it the best he can. It's admirable.

He's always the gentleman. Even in fits of frustration at what is happening to him he stops and lets me go first, wants to help me up the stairs, opens the car door and is concerned about me driving home in the dark.

He has this intense desire to be square with the Lord and be of service even in his worst times. It's who he is.

He prays with a passion and without reservation. It's been an honor and a blessing to hear his prayers especially when he prays for me.

He like to dress nice and look nice. That one has been a surprise. My parents never had spare change so new clothes weren't in the budget.

He has a quick wit, sharp sense of humor and a ready laugh.

My Dad is neat and orderly. That one also blew by me as a child.

He loves his family.

He loves my mother and misses her terribly. Though some times he forgets who he is and that he was married, when his memory is functioning he talks highly of her in every way. "I loved that woman!" he told me passionately through tears, his voice breaking, the other day as we were driving somewhere.

He's always saying "Thank you." When I tuck him into bed he usually says, "Thank you for what you are doing for me." I think he really does get it. When I hug him he often says, "Love you."

He wants to be busy and productive. No napping. No lounging around. He's frustrated by inactivity. He knows the difference when I give him something of worth to do and when we are just passing the time. He keeps me on my toes.

If I focus on making remaining life good for my Dad I am strengthened and I am able to do all that is needful. If I focus on myself and the things I can't do because I am caring for my Dad I begin to sink.

I've learned to speak "dementiaese." When no one else gets what my Dad is trying to say because it doesn't make sense, I understand where he is trying to go with his thoughts and what he is about. And it all makes perfect sense.

You can't fool him. If you try, he figures you out rather quickly. And, it ticks him off! Honesty is the best policy all the way around.

All people, including the "triple elderly" as my mother use to say, deserve to be treated with dignity and given the time of day. They notice when someone passes by them or treats them like they aren't there because they can't hear or express themselves articulately.

My Dad doesn't like to be laughed at or made fun of nor does he make fun of or laugh at others.

I've seen my Dad cry more these past two months than in my entire 56 years all put together.

Old age and the suffering it brings is the last great test of life - and if we choose to participate in care-giving we receive more in growth than we give.